being rooted and grounded in love, May be able to
comprehend with all saints what is the breadth,
and length, and depth, and height; And to
know the love of Christ, which passeth
knowledge, that ye might be filled
with all the fulness of God. Now unto
him that is able to do exceeding abundantly
above all that we ask or think,
according to the power that
worketh in us, Unto him be glory...
Ephesians 3:17-21.
I am firmly convinced Paul was totally overwhelmed by God's magnificence--by the outpouring of Grace into his own life--even with all his education, far beyond mine, he could only try to describe the goodness of God. I understand that, and as I share this story with you, claim that promise for yourself: believe it, receive it, declare it, right now! Hallelujah! The Word of God is true and everlasting and unchanging. That which Paul declared to be true of God in his day is still true in our day, too! God is STILL in the exceedingly abundant business, my friends! Our God NEVER changes: we serve the same eternal, everlasting to everlasting, God! I lift Your name, Jesus! You ARE worthy of all praise and honor and glory!
By the time she was twenty, she had been diagnosed as mentally ill. She would not give in to shock treatments; life was not worth living. She had started drinking as a teenager; it only worsened as life heaped one heartbreak after another on her; rage and hatred seethed deep within her for all she had been forced to endure as a child. She had been used to attract boyfriends for her mother, then used to keep them coming back. She had her first child when she was just fourteen.
She didn't know a sober day, unless she was in the hospital after still another suicide attempt or mental breakdown. Even then she was drugged to keep her from turning her hatred inward on herself or outward on others. One never knew when they spoke to her how it would be received--some days she was civil--others, it was best to stay away from her altogether. Sadly, there wasn't of much a way to know which was which; those of us who ran "afoul" of her only knew it was one of her "bad days" when she verbally attacked.
All her life she had been told how stupid and worthless she was; it was her fault her dad had committed suicide; it was her fault her mother had gotten rid of all her brothers and sisters. Everything had always been her fault. Yet everytime she attempted suicide, something wouldn't let her die, no matter how severely she had wounded herself. That only made her even angrier--why couldn't she die????
At her mid-twenties, she was told a partial hysterectomy would "calm" her down; it didn't. Several years later, a total hysterectomy was performed, but did nothing to improve the quality of her life. She was told "bad teeth" was contributing to her mental instability; by twenty-nine she had a full set of dentures, but no improvements in the quality of life for her.
Life held absolutely no meaning for her. It was just an endless series of wild emotional swings and drugs to subdue them, and a constant balancing act to try to keep the various jobs she held through the years. But getting the drugs regulated was another matter altogether--they either made her euphoric or sent her into even deeper depression. Nobody was at the helm of her life; and if the turbulence of her life wasn't already horrible, she discovered her own daughter dead: an alcoholic who died of alcohol poisoning. She brought her granddaughter home and raised her.
Our "Ninnie" was diagnosed as being manic-depressive; new drugs were added. Before long, she was taking so many drugs others had to be added to correct the effects of still others. When she was forty, a tumor was removed from her brain-stem; she soon discovered that the hope she had of its removal giving her some relief was fruitless. Along with various physical ailments, her mental state only worsened. Life was just one big ball of hate: she hated those around her, she hated the dawn of every day, she hated the nighttime, she hated life in general. The suicidal tendencies were still there, but she had grown tired of having to recover from them. More than a dozen attempts had failed--she raged at God. Apparently He wanted to punish her some more and in her own mind, she deserved it.
When she and Mom went south in 1999 to visit, she tried to see her second sister, but was turned away. Then she endured visiting with her baby sister, but didn't like it much--the "kid" (baby sister) insisted on telling her that she loved her and Jesus loved her, too. Huh! Jesus! Yeah, right! If He was so all-fired great, how come He hadn't done anything for her, huh? She didn't want to be loved--she had "loved" people all her life and look what it had gotten her: a big fat nothing!
Shortly after she and her mother returned to their homes, her mother was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer. Ninnie realized she would soon truly be alone as never before. Even as abusive as her mother had been to her, she was still her mother, and she was now leaving. Yet, as her mother lay dying, a healing was taking place. Mama had asked Jesus to forgive her of her sins and had begged Ninnie's forgiveness of how she had treated her those many years ago. Ninnie was still angry--the scars were deeply imbedded in her heart and mind, the soul and spirit, so even as she forgave her mother, she held on to those feelings of bitterness. She gave her mother the peace of forgiveness, but none to herself. She wasn't worth having any happiness or joy in her life. She'd never made anybody happy--why should she be?
But something was going on. Mama was in a lot of pain and would beg her to pray for her and Ninnie did. At first, it was just to appease Mama, to quiet her, but after a time, Ninnie realized she truly meant what she was saying to God. She was no longer saying it merely for Mama--she sincerely meant the words she prayed. And something was happening down deep inside of her. She began to cry--something she hadn't done in years. Things that usually sent her temper soaring didn't seem to stir her at all.
Oh, the depression was still there, but it didn't rule her every moment as it once had. At first, she thought perhaps the medicines she was taking were finally having effect, but no, she'd taken the same ones for several years. Now, the difference was, it was as if she was learning about herself--recognizing early warning signs of mental/emotional fatigue or stress. She was finally beginning to realize her own limitations and looking to God for the strength to handle a situation instead of flying into a rage.
Little by little, she began to notice even more changes--Ninnie's thoughts became clearer and more focused. It became a habit for her to immediately say, "Father, help me," as she was confronted by first one, then another, aspect of dealing with her mother's business matters. And it was amazing to her to watch as that which would have been problematic before unfolded smoothly as she dealt with first one issue then another.
She made arrangements to stay on at Mom's house. As she described it, it was lonely at first, but within just a couple of weeks, she realized that even though she was physically alone in the house, she didn't "feel" alone. She began to feel a peace of mind that was at first alien to her, but oh so comforting. It was as if she was in a place of protection, gaining both mental and physical strength she'd never had before.
And something else: she found herself wanting to go to church, and noticed herself singing around the house. Why she'd never sung before in her life! There'd never seemed any reason to, but now she found "Amazing Grace", "The Old Rugged Cross", "This Is My Story", and "Jesus Is Precious To Me" pour from her lips. Where was this all coming from?
Then, sitting at the table one day, she had another breakdown, but she explained, it wasn't the same as all those other breakdowns in her past--it was a breakdown of those old walls that she had labored long and hard to build around a defenseless child, a confused youth, an abused teen-ager, an alcoholic adult, a mentally/emotionally-unstable life.
She tried to describe it to me, in that over 2-hour phone call: it was as if a door opened in one of those walls and she passed through it into peace and contentment. I sat and listened to my sister cry, whom I had never heard cry, as she tried to describe how wonderful she felt--how good God was to her. How loving and forgiving He was. I heard her stumble and falter as the words poured out, as she, too, tried to put into words that which Paul tried to describe: that exceeding abundance, above all that we ask or think, that only God can bring into a life.
Then, as I clung to my seat and tried not to leap in my gladness of spirit, she said, "I have realized that if I will call on God first, I don't have anywhere near the problems I used to have. I don't get nearly as upset as I did; things aren't the dragons they once were. It's as if a path is cleared before me even as I walk. It's the most amazing thing, Sis! Oh, I know I will probably always have to take the medicines, but I honestly believe God has delivered me from so much that was coming against me. And now I know it's His strength I am to rely on, not mine. Oh, it's so good to be alive and realize how truly good God is! I try to tell Him how much I love Him, oh how I love to try!
"I used to dread waking up--another day of hell on earth. But for months now, I've felt better and stronger and more at peace with myself than ever before in my life. Oh, let me tell you--I was scared at first. I was scared it was just another "smooth" spot--then it would be the same old mountains and abysses. But it's not--for longer than I can ever remember, I have been calm and clear minded. I am remembering things I had forgotten and they don't hurt like they used to. I have been set free through the precious blood of Jesus. It's mine, the Bible says so, and at 62 years of age, I claim it."
Now understand something, my friends: I'm not amazed that this has happened in my sister's life--but I will gladly tell you I am awed by the all-encompassing reaches of it. But that's the God we serve: He never forgets even the tiniest detail. When He touches a heart, it's made new. When He changes a life, it's completely changed. When He sets a captive free, it is a freedom beyond what we can ever attain within ourselves!
I want you to realize something here: I never doubted God would answer the prayers that have been prayed for this beloved soul, but oh, I never dreamed I would ever be able to have such a conversation with my sister! To have the actual witness from her own lips--yes, it is joy unspeakable and full of glory! And I express, through faith, believing, that it only gets better and better. As the old song said, "Every day with Jesus is sweeter than the day before."
My friends, I tell you again: Never stop. Never give up. Don't quit praying. P. U. S. H: Pray until something happens! If you will stand on the promises of God, which truly are yea and amen to them that believe--you will find that God will bring in those for whom you are praying. The Word of God tells us that it is the effectual and fervent prayer that avails much!
I lift Your Name, Jesus, for You ARE worthy of all praise and honor and glory! Thank You, Jesus, thank You! I praise You, My Redeemer!
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