Part Two
thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever:
forsake not the works of thine own hands.
Psalm 138:8
The ONE THING you need to find, as soon as possible, is support for you in your efforts to help (not enable, but help) your loved one break their addictions. WARNING: you will find that many people you have counted as "friends" may not want to get involved--make some new ones! We met many many wonderful people, who have since become lasting friends, as we worked to find support in helping us deal with our son's addictions.
We knew we could not fight (and win) this battle on our own. Yet, each step of the way, the Lord opened doors and gave us resources to help us, because we refused to accept "No". When one person turned us down, we went to another. Again I say to you: don't stop, don't give in, don't give up!
Praise the Lord, we began to see a support system put into place for our son and our family. We had the unity of dedicated, praying friends. We had a pastor who was also a police chaplain--he saw the same stories, acted out, each day in peoples' lives. He truly understood and cared. We met District Attorneys who saw beyond "throwing away the keys" on a person. But most of all, we had a Loving, Merciful God Who made the way for us.
There are those who might argue, "But what right did you have to interfere? After all, it was your son's life." No, by any stretch of definition, my son was not "living"--he was merely existing. Control of his "life" had been wrested from his possession--he was totally under the influence of the addictions in his life. And it was merely only a matter of time before he either lost his life or that control would again change ownership--to those who would confine him and dictate virtually every nuance of his existence. If I didn't do something and that right quickly, the cravings that controlled him could cause his death and very possibly someone else's.
And, it was NOT just "my son's life". By virtue of the fact that he was my son. I had a vested interest in his well being. Whatever affected his life, affected me because I love and care about him.
Let me make this very clear to you today: I HAD TO get OUT of God's Way, so God could have His Way in my son's life. Do you get that? I had been "running interference" for him by all my "acts of love". They were "well-intended", but VERY detrimental to any recovery he could make. Certainly, what Mother wants her son in jail? What Mother wants her son with a "record"? But you see, I HAD TO be willing for God to put him in a place where He could get my son's attention! Luke 15:17 says of the prodigal son, And when he came to himself... My son had to come to his senses--he had to be able to see for himself where he was, why he was there, and what he could do about it. He had to make his own decisions, but he couldn't do that until he was out from "under the influence"!
Finally, after several weeks of not knowing where he was, we got a call from Florida. He told us he was being returned to our state to face charges. It was only a $500 bond to get him out of jail; I could have come up with it, but I also knew once he was out on the streets, I had no control over his actions. Jail was safer for him than being loose; he was in there for several months. Our two daughters and I swapped week-ends going to visit him. We wanted him to know we loved him, we cared about him, we weren't "forgetting" him.
We applied to Teen Challenge and he was accepted. Oh he was VERY happy: it was a way out of jail for him, you see. However, I wanted more from "the system". I wasn't content to just "get him out"--I wanted something positive accomplished. District Attorneys in both counties with charges against him were contacted and we spoke with them, several times. I urged them to put strong requirements on him. "Probation" wasn't worth saying, if they were merely going to turn him loose. If they were going to allow him probation, there must be solid requirements in place: (1) he had to study for and get his GED while he was in Teen Challenge; (2) he had to finish the Teen Challenge program; (3) he had to make full restitution for the things he had stolen. Failure to complete any one of the requirements meant he would serve out his time behind bars. Both DA's and judges agreed to it--it was so ordered by the courts.
With our church's steadfast prayer support and financial help, we obtained his required medical tests; he was so happy to see us the morning we picked him up. He had to "report in" to his probation officer immediately--it was our first stop. He was to enter a Teen Challenge facility in North Carolina the following Monday, a full four days away. In front of his probation officer, I laid out the rules: he would not be left alone at any time. He would not leave our house for any reason unless his dad or I was with him. He could not make or accept phone calls. (We would later learn that it's not unusual for an addict to be even closer to help, only to "escape" supervision and get killed during a "last fling".)
We got him safely to the Teen Challenge center in North Carolina; he was not happy when it was time for us to leave. He had "signed on" to get out of jail--we had signed on because we knew he needed a new way of life. But we had an "onus" in place: he could stay or we'd take him back to jail. We KNEW if he could be away from his druggie buddies, the drugs, and both kinds of influence long enough, he could learn to make decisions for himself.
Understand this: he had stopped maturing in several important ways when he first got into drugs around age 13 or 14. That was over seven years ago--he needed to develop social skills. He needed to mature emotionally--there was no "fast track"--there could be NO shortcuts! This is the very reason so many 28-day programs don't work: they don't last long enough. It takes at least that long to merely BEGIN to get drugs out of a person's system.
Just as important as stopping drug use, is learning what caused the addiction(s) to begin with. You say, "Why the drugs caused the addiction." NO, they didn't. There were reasons the person turned to drug use or other harmful habits--the drug use was just a part of it. In order to overcome addictions, a person must learn why they behave in certain ways. They have to reconnect with their emotions and learn how to deal with them. They require NEW friends to get weaned from harmful influences. They learn to recognize danger signals: people, places or events that could trigger relapses, and how to avoid them. They learn that each choice in life carries its own consequence.
It was a long, hard year for my son. There was a lot for him to face up to, and none of it was pretty. He had scoffed at responsibility for so long, accountability was a "tough row to hoe" for him. Yet one accomplishment led to another: he got that GED. He went through class after class in Teen Challenge--none of them were a "picnic". He had to set and achieve goals--another "new" in his life. He found there were all kinds of ways to face challenges; he learned to turn down those that were harmful and choose those that were viable. He learned about addictive behaviors and that which led to addiction; how to avoid people and situations which were detrimental to his new way of life. And that's what it was for him: a new life. He made the choice to accept Jesus Christ as his personal Savior with a clear mind, through a conscious decision of recognizing he was a sinner in need of a Savior.
While he was in Teen Challenge, he met a young lady he wanted to know more about. But in Teen Challenge, one is not allowed to date. Their precept is to get the person "straightened out first", before they become involved with anyone. And it holds true: if he couldn't work out the problems in his own life, he would only cause problems in someone else's. Yet the young lady he met was willing to wait for him, and she did. The "rules" were not pleasant, but they taught submission to authority.
He didn't come out of Teen Challenge perfect: no one does. But those that "make it" come out with new knowledge, new perspectives, new goals, new priorities--all of which contribute to a great foundation on which to build a truly-rewarding life. He finished their program, and has a perfect record with his accountability and restitution. The Lord blessed his change of heart with a beautiful wife. They now have two lovely daughters. He has a great job, GOOD Christian friends, is taking college courses, and shares his testimony of how Jesus gave him abundant life at every opportunity.
We have a son we never thought possible--it is such a joy to be around he and his family. To be VERY honest with you, none of us knew he was as intelligent as he is: we truly are very very proud of him. But most of all, we are proud of our Lord Jesus Christ, without Whom none of this would have been possible. Hallelujah! There's No God Like Jehovah!
All of us learned a great deal during our odyssey: mostly we learned the TRUE meaning of God's love, AGAPE, for one another.
And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world.There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. We love him, because he first loved us. I John 4:16-19.
"Dead Man Walking" Copyright © 2002 by Patricia Sikes.
All Rights Reserved.
Dead Man Walking
Part One
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