Dead Man Walking Part One
The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands. Psalm 138:8
It was nearly 3:00 a.m. As the young lady who had driven him to my house took the bag of groceries I gave her to her car, my son lingered at the door. I stood there with him, desperately trying to think of something, anything, I could say that would "reach him", some "key phrase" that would perhaps trigger a memory with him. I was exhausted from the hours I had spent pouring out my heart to him, as he sat emotionless, seemingly not hearing a word I'd said. At the front door, I looked up his thin frame to his gaunt face and asked him to bend down and let me kiss his cheek. As I held his face in my hands, I whispered to him, "Will you help me find my boy? I've been looking for him a long, long time. When you find him, tell him Mama loves him with all her heart, and wants him to come home. She misses him so much." Silently, he straightened up and walked away without a backward glance. I realized my son was on a collision course with disaster. He was truly a Dead Man Walking I share what I have to say today with you for the sole purpose of letting you know that you, or a loved one of yours CAN BE SET FREE from the clutches of addictions. Praise the Lord, O my soul, my son has been set from the addictions that held him in bondage. Satan's strongholds have been pulled down and destroyed. My heart is proud to bursting of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and the life-changing work of Salvation He wrought in my son's life.
Addiction What is addiction? Anything that masters (controls) a person's life. Addiction is also called "dependency", and "compulsive behavior". An addiction might be the use of a substance (food, alcohol, other drugs, etc.), the practice of a behavior (compulsive spending, gambling, pornography, shoplifting, etc.), or even a relationship with another person (commonly referred to as "co-dependency"). According to II Peter 2:19, ...of whom a man is overcome, of the same is he brought in bondage. Anything that becomes the center of a life, if it is allowed to continue, will master that life. Let me make this VERY clear to you: if you are dealing with a person bound by addictions, those addictions will not only use them up, they'll reach out and use up everybody around, if allowed to do so! Did you get that? I said, the addictions that control one person will try to control everybody who comes in contact with that person! I was unwilling to never see my son again, but I was just as unwilling to be controlled by that which was killing him. It's been said that only when a person "hits bottom" will they get help. Seeing as to how he was in no condition to even realize the danger he was in, I took it upon myself to "raise the bottom". I had lived in fear of a "next of kin notification" long enough! Whatever else I was about to learn, I knew I had to turn off my feelings and help my son reconnect with his. Denial and delusion were his defenses: when denial continues over a period of time, it results in delusion: "I'm not doing anything so bad", or "I can take it or leave it." The delusion was that he could not see who he had become: a Dead Man Walking When he did exhibit emotion, it was 'way out of proportion to the situation. Anger was exaggerated and misdirected. There was no joy--only drug euphoria. He mastered the art of crying--his story was always that the "cops were out to get him". Let me tell you, they didn't want him--they were tired of fooling with him! I had a decision to make: Did I truly TRUST the Lord completely? Hey, I could quote ...for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day. (II Timothy 1:12) with the best of 'em. Did I REALLY MEAN IT? I began to pray a prayer of three parts: "Lord, give me the resolve I need to get through this with him." "Lord, open his eyes and let him see himself as he truly is." "Lord, save his soul, whatever it takes." This was going to be all out war on several fronts: spiritual, mental, physical and emotional. There was no going back, no giving up or giving in--it was all or nothing. I repeat: ALL or NOTHING. There was no halfway--it would be total victory or abject defeat. I want you to understand something: I didn't do this to be thought "noble": I did it because there was no one else to do it! You know, too many times we all sit back with a "somebody-ought-to-do-something" attitude, waiting on somebody else to come along and do what WE need to be doing. I was that "somebody" and it was time I got busy doing what had to be done. What are YOU waiting for Somebody Else to do?
Cold, Harsh Reality I wasn't dealing with "my son". I was dealing with addictions. They were in control--he was not. His addictions thought nothing of asking me to sign him out of jail under a fake identity. They didn't mind making a criminal out of me--all they wanted was "out" so they could get another fix! Thank God, both my daughters were with me. I had told them before we ever saw him, "Do not let me cave in, OK?" Yes, I did so hate to leave him in that place. What Mom wants to walk out and leave her child in jail? Let me tell you, there are worst places to leave a loved one--such as a grave! His sisters loved him, too, but THEY could see what was going on, and held me to my resolve. Remember what I told you earlier? The addictions that control one person will try to control everybody who comes in contact with that person! Addictions do NOT care about the "better times that used to be"!! ALL they want is THEIR demands met, with NO regard for what it costs anybody!! Folks, I am being VERY REAL with you here. Two things: You MUST see past the person--you are NOT dealing with them. They are under the influence of the controlling factors in their life--the addictions. It is the addictions you must deal directly with! You are NOT dealing with a logical person when you deal with an addict! Addictions do not have logic--they have tunnel vision: getting what they want, no matter who it costs what! You MUST NOT get caught up in trying to deal with the person you "used to know"--you MUST deal with the person who "currently is". Understand? You deal with the person who "currently is" perhaps out of the love you have for the person they once were (used to be), and can be again, but you MUST deal with that person in their present state as an addict! You cannot go into such a fight with faint resolve. You MUST keep a tight rein on your emotions while dealing with addiction(s) and those bound by them. (Why do I use the plural "addictionS" there? Because there is RARELY only one!) This does NOT mean you can't tell that person that you love them or you can't hug them. It means you cannot relent in your resolve. Do you understand the importance of this? You simply cannot allow anything they say or do to play on your emotions. (And here you have the TRUE definition of "TOUGH LOVE". It doesn't mean abandoning your loved one--it means not giving in to what their controlling influences demand of you.)
No More Permission Time after time, we found him a "new" (different) place to live. Even when I found him an apartment in another county, 35 miles from where he had lived and within walking distance of a good job, it took him less than a week to get in touch with his OLD friends (drug "buddies") and once again, they were coming over. So I had to make up my mind, whatever I did for him, I could NO LONGER ENABLE him to get or use drugs. No more covering up for him. No more softening the consequences of his behavior. The ONLY WAY to deal with him was IN TRUTH: he was in the grip of addictions. No more praying for God to "keep him safe"--I learned to pray, "Father, WHATEVER IT TAKES, save his soul. Open his eyes to his need of You, and what You can do for him." It was not an easy prayer--it meant I HAD TO TRUST GOD COMPLETELY for my son's soul and safety. Please understand: that meant that I had to quit trying to dictate to God what God already knew, far better than any of us, needed to be done! I had to get my nose out of God's business and let God do His business! It wasn't to my liking, but you see, I had some lessons to learn, too! When I took away my permission, as in NO MORE ENABLING, it meant changes for our entire family. Nobody would lie for him anymore, nobody would "cover up" for him any more, nobody would make any excuses for him any more. If he got put in jail, he stayed in jail. No more sitting up all night when he was in our home just so he wouldn't let his friends in, steal, do drugs or "fade out" with a lit cigarette. He wasn't allowed to stay overnight or be there when we weren't. He had to come in "clean" and stay that way while he visited. The telephone was coded so no unauthorized long distance calls could be made. It was made clear to him that the very next incident of him stealing from us would be prosecuted by us. Sounds harsh, I know, but ENABLING is dangerous to an addict. Even with the best of intentions, when a parent or loved one covers for the addict, when they refuse to allow the addict to experience the natural consequences of their actions, it only prolongs the addictive behavior. When you do STOP ENABLING, be prepared for MORE trouble! Oh, the addict will not be happy with you, let me tell you! You will be accused of "not loving them anymore", etc. They will take your feelings for the roller-coaster ride of all time: emotional blackmail will increase. DO NOT GIVE IN, do not give up.
Let me share some characteristics of an ENABLER with you. Do you recognize any of them in yourself? Habit-forming help: offering the same kind of help over and over again (such as money, or getting them out of jail time after time). Defends addict against "the world": accuses school or legal system (law enforcement, courts) of being "unjust". Changes environment to accomodate the addict, such as changing schools when the principal brings suspicious behavior to your attention. (We don't like the message, so we "take it out" on the messenger.) Blames self: "If I were a better parent (grandparent, sister, brother, friend), so and so wouldn't be doing this." (I beat myself up with this for years.)
Forward To Dead Man Walking Part Two
(all emphasis on scriptures, such as bold, underline or uppercase, is mine) "Dead Man Walking" Copyright © 2002 by Patricia Sikes. All Rights Reserved.
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